This is my virtual diary. My name is Puppy. I am a girl and I like to sleep and eat and breathe and talk.
What you see here, forget. Or don't. That's up to you.
Jan 31 2021 the past week i have been hanging out with crystal and evan. the first day we picked up joey randazzo and mike dogostino and made them go to walmart with us and then we tried to find this party in the woods. it got shut down by the cops so we blew up fireworks behind the elementary school. then we went to the zoo and atlantic city where we snuck into a casino and then went shopping at the outlets. another day we went to dave and busters which is kind of like an upscale chucky cheese. evan played a kazoo in the parking lot. then we went with caleb to trade in my switch at gamestop (i needed evan's ID for the trade) and we all went to dollar general and target then came back to my house to hang out in my room. and then 2 days ago me and crystal and evan made eric menzel come with us to south street in philly. we went to the sanrio store and a gay thrift store called AIDS Thrift that had a huge gay porn section. evan grabbed a handful of free condoms and blew them up like balloons. i have also been obsessed with youtube iceberg videos and garfield lately. life has been pretty fun.
Jan 14 2021 me and brooke and peegirl are all friends still, it was just an overwhelming situation we didn't know how to deal with. i got my phone taken away because my parents thought that i'd use my phone to get into more trouble online. i got it back after 3 days because my mom was defending my case, my dad would've been fine just taking it away forever. right now i feel a bit nihilistic, i am aimlessly stumbling through life. i have no reason to get up in the morning other than to take care of pepper and binky, put on my makeup, online shop, and smoke. i have no drive to do anything. i turn 18 in 3 days though which is cool i guess.
Jan 5 2021 my life is over i feel betrayed and scared and hated me and brooke aren't friends anymore and my parents hate me i wish i could go back in time or find some way to make everything just go away.
Dec 24 2020 tomorrow is christmas and i am feeling anything but christ-like. "i am full of hate and i love it." i thrive off of sadism i get my kicks by making people squirm, by seeing just how deep i can penetrate into their psyche... like jamming a needle into them and injecting pain and hurt and anguish and insecurity. my favorite is making them hate THEMSELVES, not me. turning someone against themself inflicts pain deeper than an external force ever could. and all you have to do is plant a seed of doubt in them, which leaves a hole in their armor, and then take advantage of that. reach inside and push their buttons. then walk away. you touched a nerve, they'll finish the job for you. i am sick from seeking this out, and sicker for taking pleasure in it. the thrill of the hunt i suppose. but my moral compass isn't exactly in working order so i feel no remorse. i'm not all bad, i care for all children and animals and will never disrespect anyone's religion and things sacred to it. i love my few friends and my parents and my grandma to the ends of the earth. but besides that i have no concept of right and wrong, everything's fair game. its nice living with no regrets, and being able to do "fucked up" things with no afterthought. my conscience could give less of a shit as long as i don't hurt those above. i thought this was normal, and people just pretended to be so sensitive and remorseful to make themselves look better. i mean, its not like i'm empty inside. i feel a few emotions, i'm not some total sociopath. i feel love for pepper and cal and brooke and brody and my parents and nana, i feel grief for sol, i feel anger when someone hurts or disrespects any of them, and i feel excited for adventures with brooke and brody. i fear skinwalkers and the zombie apocalypse, i feel insecurity if i gain a little weight, i feel hopelessness and pain and agony. but those don't stem from anything which is strange to me. l'apel du vide i guess. my love affair with suicide is not over yet. i feel like a ticking time bomb but i have no clue when i'll detonate. it'll be painless for me, but shrapnel will be blasted toward those i love. i'd feel guilt for that. but i know it'll eventually happen. i'm meant to snuff myself out, i could always feel it. the longing feeling came back a few hours ago, i haven't wanted to kill myself for a long time. right now i'm consumed by it and its comforting. like a warm blanket. but i feel completely and desperately hopeless. merry christmas.
Dec 17 2020 today i woke up at 8AM for online school videochat. i attended half of the classes because i got anxious about talking to the teachers who i haven't done any work for. during psych Mr.Barb said he was "very interested by and wanted to know more about my interactions with my psychiatrist" (i.e., the stuff wrong with my head). i am his little case study~ O_o LMAO i love his class i always answer his assignments in weirdly long and vaguely inappropriate responses. i practically submit manifesto chapters to questions that could be answered in three sentences i think it's so funny. he mistakes my narcissistic love of talking about myself and my opinions in length for honesty. what appears to be oversharing isn't, because it's intentional and thought out. divulging select info about myself to someone to get a reaction for my own entertainment/curiosity is not honesty. i don't know what it is but it's weird and i should stop doing it to my psychology teacher. moving on ;P oh god when it was time for the finance videochat i was shitting my brains out on the toilet because of all the adderall and monster energy i consume like a fucking beast. i figured i should be responsible and join it, all i'd have to do was download the app on my phone and then just sit there with my mic muted and my camera off. so i joined and that was a fucking mistake i was literally the only person there and Mrs.Jones kept talking to me and asked me to turn my camera on. I WAS STILL ON THE FUCKING TOILET WTF WHAT DO I EVEN DO i was like oh sorry haha (but still didn't turn on my camera) my voice was echoing because i was in the bathroom AND THEN THE TOILET STARTED MAKING NOISES ON ITS OWN my mic was on i know she heard it. i was mortified but thank god she just let me leave the google meet after like 5 minutes. i was DMing brooke and cal and brody as it all was happening it was so funny. my life is just one embarrassment after another. please God i am not one of your strongest soldiers make it stop
Dec 15 2020 i got my adderallprescription refilled and feel normal again. the other day i went to caleb's house with vienna and emma and lily and some nerdy 4channy boy named ant i want to get to know him ive never met someone in real life like /that/ its so funny. also we are getting a male bull terrier puppy soon i'm so excited AND because brooke is coming to new jersey soon to stay with me for a week :D its going to be sooo fun this feels like a dream i never thought we'd be able to meet... going 2 be the best week of my life. goodnight.
November 10 2020 i am wearing my charles manson shirt it is really cool and i have been talking to the groupchat (cal brooke mila peegeirl and niko even though niko is always silent... love him too tho) i lovey them so so much. me and cal are evil now. we are archie and sierra from my suicide(unrelated). we are going to be destructive demons for a while because we are bored. todayi will drink monster energy rehab lemon and research true crime i don't feel like doing much today. tomorrow i think me and my mom are going to try to get my driving permit at the DMV. i can't wait to get my own car and my license so i can drive around and do whatever i want. my parents won't stop fighting with me about my grades. my dad called me bender from the breakfast club. it was funny but they should really leave me alone because i'm on top of things now and i'm also almost 18 i can do whatever i want and if they want me to act like an adult they have to treat me like one.going to make a page about cal now because i love a him
November 8 2020 i am watching zero day right now. it feels weird watching it as my 18th birthday approaches. i remember watching it at 14 when i first entered highschool. i can't believe i made it out alive and i can't believe i'm going to legally be an adult soon. before i know it i will be living at my own place and doing whatever adults do. i still feel the same as i did then. i think everybody does though. i feel like i'm meant to be an angsty teenager forever, i can't imagine myself as an adult. i still look like a middle schooler and i have no concrete plans for the future, i wish i was 14 again so i would have more time to think about that. but since then i've gotten way more pretty and have good friends now. caleb is coming over soon and he is bringing my smile dog painting i left at his house (because it was still wet... but also because it kind of creeps me out. i did a little too good.) i ran out of adderall 2 days ago so today and yesterday i feel really lethargic but my mood is stable, i miss the energy it gave me. i'm useless!!!! i need my sunshine in a bag... i think clint eastwood by the gorillaz is about stimulants it sounds a lot like how i feel without them. my last thing to say is that i love cal. he is my bff, fate brought us together! we were meant to be friends
October 31 2020 yesterday i took 3 adderall and 1 vyvanse and in under 2 hours wrote an essay, did 4 pages of math work, a psych chart and test, a finance test, and completed the sketch for my art project (a painting of peewee herman) so all of my missing schoolwork is done. it is halloween and i am in my room with caleb. he is a vampire and i'm courtney love. we are listening to music and going to hang out for a few hours before we go to vienna's halloween party. yesterday my dad got me the new monster khaotic flavor and today i got the papillon flavor with caleb. we are currently playing with my old camera and are going to go do a photoshoot outside. last night i had a dream where i was dating a boy in my psych class named TJ. he is not my type at all and i don't even know him but the dream made me have butterflies. I am writing this sentence the next day (November 1) last night i went to the party and had so much fun. vienna has a little kitten named murph and he has the cutest tiny face. i picked him up and he was like less than 2 lbs it was so cute. i mixed my monster energy drink with a lime white claw to make a DIY 4loko. and then me and julie talked all night and she played with my hair and we sort of cuddled i love her. she asked me if i was straight and i didn't know what to say because i think i am but she's so pretty and we were practically in each others arms. us and caleb are going to hang out on friday i think. and emma invited me to hang out with her and vienna anytime i'm bored because i'm currently pissed off at crystal. all in all halloween was fun. i love my friends
October 23 2020 currently i am sitting in one of the two mismatched office chairs in my room i use for gaming chairs. i took my adderall today and it makes me feel normal and happy. i didn't take it yesterday and felt like caca. pepper is sleeping on my bed and radiohead is playing on my stereo system. i did a videochat with my math teacher and the class, it was so weird. it's strange too that my teacher and some of my classmates have never seen my face because we all have to wear masks. i wonder if they think im cute or ugly. i like my teacher a lot, her name is mrs. williams and she is so patient with me and helps me up my grades. I can tell she really cares. crystal is coming over later and tomorrow me and caleb are going to try to convince one of our parents to bring us to the cherry hill mall. he is going to sleepover i am excited. i've been updating my site a lot these past few days too. it's still shitty but i like it. i am going to do my makeup now i think. or maybe i'll film another yt video. The day is still young my friends...
October 21 2020 right now i am talking to brooke and mila and peegirl and trin we made a big groupchat and i love them they are silly and really cool. ive still been making youtube videos and just filmed one today, its a get ready with me video. i am wearing a really cute dress that;s more revealing than i'm used to (its not even revealing it just isn't an XL baggy hoodie like i normally wear-_-). my grades have been almost all F's but ive suddenly gotten motivation and now they are two D's, C, B, and two F's. i am going to try my very hardest to raise them. school just shut down for 2 weeks because a staff member got the virus. that sucks balls i reallu like going to school and i hope they are okay. a few days ago i went to caleb's halloween party with crystal and our friends vienna lily emma and julie came it was fun. i dressed as johnny lawrence from the karate kid. i wore my custom jacket with a pair of retro jeans and checkerboard vans slip ons so i look like him when he was at the beach arguing with ali then met his arch nemesis daniel larusso. his actor william zabka is soooo cute im so in love with him. it was his birthday yesterday, he is 55 now i don't care if he is 38 years older than me he looks so fine ugh i won't him. i have a thing for mean blonds. speaking of blonde, i am blonde now! i got my hair dyed by my favorite hairdresser helen. i've gone to a lot of salons in the meantime but she's been doing my hair ever since i was 11 or so, i always let her color my hair because she's the only person who always gets it right. i am going to see her on tuesday and i'm going to get her a mascara because she complimented my eyelashes last time and asked what mascara i use so i'm going to get it for her:). i'm going to help brooke with neocities now i don't really have much more to say adios
October 2 2020 i haven't been on neocities in a while. i am a senior in high school now. i started learning a martial art called Tang Soo Do (which i will refer to as karate because its easier to say) and became obsessed with the 80s and became a speedfreak. i mix my adderall with monster energy so i get suuuuper amped up and feel happy.but now i can't feel happy without it and i just took my last pill today. my mom took like half the bottle of my pills so i will be very lethargic for over two weeks until my next prescription. johnny lawrence can't see me like this. if i am off speed for 2 weeks i'll be tired and hungry and end up being fat and depressed and boring i won't be good at karate and i most certainly won't be hot. i've been filming youtube videos and it is really fun. i filmed a mountain dew gamer fuel unboxing review in my 1st period gym class with allie. the mountain dew exploded when i stuck my straw in and spilled all over my backpack and the auditorium chair it was on and there was a blue sugary puddle on the floor but my teacher didn't notice. i also made a johnny lawrence replica jacket but instead of his red leather jacket mine is a red members only jacket (with the same patch obviously). other recent things i bought are a vote for pedro shirt and the complete karate kid 5 movie set and a lot of nicotine products and socks that look bloody like a horror movie murder victim's. this weekend i am going to buy more drinks ive never tried so i can film more unboxing reviews. i saw a white mountain dew at the store the other day and i need to try it. it's called voodew (i just looked it up on the mountain dew wiki. i didn't know that was a thing). i think i should try monster ultra watermelon and monster papillon (new flavors coming out in a week or so) and monster mango loco and monster pipeline punch.
August 18 2020 i bought a lot of clothes the other day and am sooo excited. i am planning an all-pink version of layla's outfit from buffalo 66. i can't wait for churches to re-open i want to go so badly. My relationship with God has been very strong. i have to do chores now, see ya l8er :p time has passed since i typed the last sentence. someone texted my mom lies about how i "do bad things online" now my internet and social media access is limited. i won't be able to spend much time alone either. this sucks ass. who would hate me enough to do this to me? my grandma is doing really bad again too. life went from really good to really bad in the span of 2 days. woe is me.
July 31 2020 my current hyperfixations are the "final girl" horror movie trope, old girly horror movies like jennifer's body and ginger snaps and jawbreaker, rose mcgowan, and the video game bully for ps2. i think i'm autistic. but i'm not gonna get tested for it cuz idc that much, it is what it is. anyway i want to look like a dreamy blonde girl next door in a slasher movie. and i think gary smith from bully is soooo cute even though he's a sociopath. i ship him and jimmy i want to write a fanfiction on wattpad about them. in my headcanon jimmy is gay idk why i just made it up in my head. he really likes to kiss the boys in the game and he's all tough and abrasive sooo internalized homophobia and him and gary are both cute boys so they must kiss. but jimmy and johnny would be a good couple too. i also think he'd look good with that cheerleader christy martin. tomorrow me and crystal are going to the mall i'm excited. i'm going to take adderall and drink monster energy to be at peak human performance B). i got a new phone the other day too. it's a black iphone 11 and i ordered a clear phone case and a scream popsocket that has ghostface on it. me and ben and crystal hung out in the woods the other day and built a hut and made monkey noises and smoked cigarettes and walked around exploring my town at midnight and had a big sleepover. i layed in a field and crystal took a picture of me and said i looked like a murder victim it was cute. but my ass was kind of showing so i'm a sexy murder victim. i am going to watch jawbreaker with my mom and paint my nails with shimmery clear nail polish now.
July 11 2020 i feel like shit i cried in the car because i felt like i couldn't breathe i ruin everything and make everyone upset. i watched Splice last night with Crystal and it was really cool. but i hate eugenics and technology as a whole. i wish the whole world was just wild nature, or at least how things were before the industrial revolution. one day Puppy will run away, out of her doghouse and off of her leash... she will take her puppy and play in the fields and live free and happy and pure forever.
June 27 2020 yesterday i went to Goodwill with Crystal and Caleb and got a dvd about domestic terrorism and a PS2 controller but it didn't work so i hung it on my wall. then we went back to my house and made kandi bracelets and did Euphoria-esque makeup and then drove to my friend Vienna's party. everyone was really excited to see me and yelled my name when i walked in and Diego hugged me i felt really cool lol. Crystal didn't really know anyone but i introduced her to a few people and everyone loved her. we both made some new friends, i only knew like half the people there. a drunk girl took my face in her hands and said i "have the most beautiful grey eyes". she hugged me a lot and said i have a "sweet and pure energy". i think she is one of those astrology almost-hippie girls. her friend was cool too, she did Euphoria makeup too it looked like glitter tears. she said i was really pretty and it meant a lot coming from someone that wasn't my friend, so she just saw my appearance and not me so it made me feel kinda good about myself. we also made friends with a girl who we smoked a cigarette with. she sent Crystal's ex (who she knew a few years ago) a snapchat of her chewing him out and making fun of him and at the end of it we all gave him the finger. they played 100 gecs at the party it felt like a fever dream. then Crystal slept over my house... staying a night at La Casa de Puppy (: in the morning we went to Dunkin Donuts and got iced coffee and hung out in my room before she left. then my aunt and grandma came over. my grandma just got discharged from a hospital/rehab facility for physical and mental health reasons, it sucks that she's getting weaker and has a bit of dementia now but she's still the Nana i know and love, she's still goofy and "a wise a$$" as my mom puts it. my aunt has to bring her back to California with her to take care of her there since she's power of attorney or something like that. i am going to miss nana so much. she and i are so close, we're like two halves of the same brain. she taught me almost everything i know and gave me a place to stay when my parents didn't really want me around and inspires me to be ambitious and travel and pursue new hobbies and learn to cook and to just be my own person, live my own life. she's brought me all over the country and taught me about other cultures, she was the one who taught me how to speak spanish. it's hard seeing such a strong willed woman so frail and loopy. but what's hard for me must be harder for her, i hope she's doing okay. i am going to see her tomorrow again and probably the day after that before she leaves for a long time.
June 25 2020 me and Crystal and Tony and Felix went to play around on some train tracks (some were abandoned but we didn't know which ones lol). there was a lot of graffiti so u already know we had to add some of our own. we climbed a really steep ledge to get up on top of a really overgrown overpass thing and Felix had to help me up and on the way down Crystal saw me fall i'm retarded. i like actually fell, it was super steep and there was hardly anything to grab onto even though it was in the forest and it was high up, i have bruises on my arms and legs and a$$ but it was funny. then we heard a train coming and it was terrifying, Tony and Felix couldn't hear us yelling at them to get off the tracks. but we didn't die lolz Crystal came back to my house after and we made kandi and watched insidious and she cried into my shoulder over a boy. if i saw him out in public i'd rock his sh1t he's so stupid. but i'm happy i can hold her when she's upset, she's like a sister to me. her, Cal, and Brooke are my best friends 4ever.
June 19 2020 i went to Goodwill with Allie and my mom and i got an hp computer moniter and keyboard and mouse, now i just need to get a tower. i want to use it for gaming. i dont want it to be high tech and expensive like most "setups" i see online, i just want an early 2000s-esque computer ~situation~. i watched The King of Staten Island (the new movie with Pete Davidson) with my mom last night and it's really funny i recommend it. i am going to start losing weight, i don't like how i look. My dad says he's going to divorce my mom. i talked to my friends Brody and Katlynn about it. parents can suck sometimes. on their own my parents are fine but they don't get along. waaahhhh woe is me. i am glad i am a good mommy to Pepper. Puppy's puppy.
June 18 2020 i just went to rite aid with my mom and she forgot to get something for my dad and now they're fighting soooo i'm programming :p i slept all day and watched true crime videos and talked to my friends Cal Brody Vince Crystal Viktor Shaddy Lily Caleb Allie Yun and Mila. i was so tired after yesterday. i was supposed to get surgery and i took the train to the hospital and got my blood taken and put on the hospital gown and was about to get anaesthesia but i was so sad about my grandma and worried about school because i thought i was going to get held back and everyone would think i was stupid and my meds aren't working as good so i couldn't stop crying for hours but it got really bad and i started seeing patterns on the hospital divider curtain's netting and seeing pictures in the ceiling it was changing from sand to grass to confetti to scratch marks and i was saying dumb things so i was sent home and we have to reschedule and i have to be put on more medicine and go back to therapy i stopped going because i didnt feel like it. i forgot i had some money in my wallet i want to buy playstation plus and buy gta v again (i traded my copy into gamestop last year). someone asked me about Sol today. i miss her so much. we knew each other since i was 14... we will meet again soon. going to work on this site some more now.